I got the email below from Andy on February 5, 2004. I thought the attached agreement was pretty funny.
Jess,
After talking about our thoughts and expectations, I remembered seeing this in an email. I thought I HAD to find it and send it to you. Some of it, because of our relationships to the Lord, obviously doesn’t apply. I thought you might enjoy it anyway. In any case, it’s a joke, I don’t intend for you to take ANY of it seriously.
God Bless,
Andy
P R E – R E L A T I O N S H I P A G R E E M E N T
The party of the first part (herein referred to as “She”), being of sound mind and pretty good body, agrees to the following with the party of the second part (herein referred to as “He”):
1. FULL DISCLOSURE
1.1 At the commencement of said relationship (colloquially referred to as the “first date”), each party agrees to fully disclose any:
(1) current girl/boyfriends;
(2) dependent children;
(3) bizarre religious beliefs;
(4) phobias and fears;
(5) social diseases;
(6) strange political affiliations; or
(7) currently active relationships with anyone else that have not yet been terminated.
1.2 Further, each party agrees to make known any deep-seated complexes and/or fanatical obsessions with pets, careers, and/or organised sports.
1.3 Failure to make the disclosures in this clause will result in the immediate termination of said relationship before it has a chance to get anywhere.
2. INDEMNIFICATION OF FRIENDS
2.1 Both parties agree to hold the person who arranged the liaison (the “matchmaker”) blameless in the event that the “fix-up” turns out to be a “real loser” or” psycho woman”. (For definition of “real loser”, see “John DeLorean: My Story”, available at most bookstores, or any picture of Bob Guccione in “Penthouse”. For definition of “psycho woman,” see Sharon Stone in “Basic Instinct” or Glenn Close in “Fatal Attraction.”)
3.DEFINITION OF RELATIONSHIP
3.1 Should said relationship proceed past the first date, both parties mutually agree to use the following terminology in describing their said “dating”:
(1) For the first thirty (30) days, both parties consent to say they are “going out”. (This neither implies nor states any guarantee of exclusivity.);
(2) Following the first thirty (30) days, both parties may say they are “seeing somebody” and may be referred to by third parties as “an item”;
(3) Sixty (60) days following the commencement of thefirst date, either member may elect to use the terms “girl/boyfriend” or “lover” and their mutual acquaintances may refer to them as “a couple”.
3.2 Under no circumstances are the phrases “my better half,” “the little woman”, “the old ball and chain,” or “my old man/lady” acceptable.
3.3 If both parties consent, this timetable may be sped up PROVIDED THAT if either party “gets too serious” and disregards this schedule, the other party may dissolve the relationship on the grounds of “moving too fast” and may once again be said to be “on the market.”
4. TERMS OF EXCLUSIVITY
4.1 For the first thirty (30) days, both parties agree not to ask questions about the other party’s whereabouts on weekends, weeknights, or over long holiday periods. No unreasonable demands or expectations will be made; “rights” or “holds” on the other party’s time.
4.2 Following the first six weeks or forty-five (45) days, if one party continues to be “missing in action” the “wounded party” agrees to “give up”.
5. DATING ETIQUETTE
5.1 For the first thirty (30) days, both parties agree:
* to be overly considerate of the other party’s work pressures, schedules, and business ambitions;
* that all dates will be made at least twenty-four (24) hours in advance;
* that there will be no “running off in the middle of the night to console an old girl/boyfriend”; and
* to strike the phrase “but he/she needs me” from their vocabularies.5.2 Further, during the first six- (6) weeks each member of said relationship agrees to attempt one spontaneous home-cooked meal or to arrange the delivery of at least one unexpected bouquet of flowers.
5.3 Following the first forty-five (45) days, both parties will return to their normal personalities.
5.4 Either party must not insist that the other stop at a particular ATM en route (while on a date) so that they would save the $1-2 fee for using another ATM other than his/her own bank. This is viewed as cheap and could possibly pass over into areas of the relationship which a person of good upbringing is unaccustomed to and will quickly tire of.
6. TERMS OF PAYMENT
6.1 It is agreed that, respective gross income aside, “He” will pick up the tab at all dinners, clubs, theatres, and breakfasts until:
* He considers her suitably impressed;
* He is broke; or
* He says, “this is ridiculous, you pay!”6.2 This clause does not apply to meals ordered from the bedroom, which are subject to the availability of discretionary funds on hand at the time.
7. LIVING ARRANGEMENTS
(Occasionally known as the “Why do I bother to keep my own flat?” codicil)
7.1 Should said relationship progress to the point where the couple spends more than four nights a week together, every effort shall be made to split the time between their respective apartments.
7.2 Further, it is agreed that both parties will attempt to silence the lewd remarks of landlords, or roommates.
7.3 Both parties will avoid having their mothers call at 7:30 in the morning.
7.4 He agrees to “pick up after himself” while in residence at herapartment, including washing his whiskers out of the sink and assisting with household duties.
7.5 She agrees to respect his right to keep his apartment “a mess”.
8. THE 90-DAY GRACE PERIOD
8.1 For the first three months, each member of the couple agrees to hold the other blameless in the euphoric use of phrases like “Let’s move in together,” “Why don’t we start a family?” and using archaic terminology-“Let’s get married.”
9. THE “L” WORD
9.1 For the first sixty (60) days, both parties agree not to use the phrase “I love you.”
9.2 Without limiting the generality of clause 9.1 and to remove any doubt, the parties are permitted to love plants, dogs, cats, cars, concerts, or the way a particular pair of jeans fits, but are not permitted to state that they love each other.
9.3 Failure by one party to abide by this clause will result in the other party using the “G” word… “Gone.”
10. TERMINATION
10.1 Any of the following will be grounds for immediate termination and final dissolution of said relationship:
- Infidelity: Running off at any time to console an ex-girl/boyfriend;
- Ending any argument with any of the following sentences: “My ex used to do that same thing”, “Now I know why your ex divorced you”, or “You women store fat in your thighs, don’t you?”
Posted: Friday, July 22, 2004